How unfair all this is!!!

Its been a hard week, I have been working at school every day helping with the book fair, its fun to do that... I like working with kids, and I discovered that I like kindergartners better than older kids...
  
On the other hand I had a call about our schedule for OT, and it will be a bit problematic, since they want to see Ashley 2 hours a week the first few weeks and then it will go to an hour a week, the only problem is that I will have to go 3 times a week there, cause they want to see her Monday for OT, Tuesday for PT and Thursday for OT again... they will try to squeeze us on Tuesdays, so I will have to take her there only once a week... we are talking about a 45 min drive, and the gas is so expensive that I cant afford to do that 3 times a week...


Right now we are having some problems with money, F will get paid next Saturday and we have a few hundred to survive the week, the bad part is that we have to pay the rent and some bills in the next few days... our credit cards are almost on the limit and I haven't heard anything from SSI... We have a few groceries left that I will have to make it last for the week...


Tomorrow we have to go to our first special Olympics competition, and I wish we didn't had to go, since its so far away and that means expending money on gas, I will take some food for us, and hope that we will work something out for the week...


We always do at the end, I get to be creative with food and basic stuff, at the end is fun to do it with the kids, Today Ashley was really upset cause she wanted to buy ice cream from the ice cream truck, but I got her happy again when I gave her some Ice cream that we have here in the house, I told them that this one is way better than the one they have on that truck... I cant tell them that I cant buy it for them, they don't have to worry about money cause they are not supposed to... that is my job not theirs...


We played for a few hours, and watch movies here in the house, Alder is so happy with his books, I got him some cool books for free since I got vouchers  for helping with the book fair, The weather is been a bit crazy, right now is raining and I cant sleep, I don't like storms, my ferret is sleeping on my lap and I should be looking for my Ipod since I use it as my alarm and I think it doesn't have battery... Ashley was using it all day long...


Its so hard to not think about what will life be once we get to an old age, I watch my ferret and I feel like I don't want to be that old, he cant barely walk and cant make it anymore to the litter box... he is loosing his hair, and will sleep almost all day long, I don't want my son to take care of me, and who will take care of Ashley? I know there is many that will take care of her, but I just cant help it, I worry too much about it!!!


I also have all this sadness that I cant control, I feel like crying, screaming and trowing a tantrum... there are so many thing going on right now that I cant believe how I take care of everything like nothings up...


The only one that seems to notice is the dog, he comes to me and stays close to me, as if he knows that I need someone to be with me, I haven't talked to my mom and sister in a month or more... I have no time, and whenever I find the time, its late or they are working... I hope that they wont feel that I don't call cause I don't want to... because that is really not the case.


Some people is making me feel like I shouldn't apply for help, like SSI... Someone told me that because people like me the system is the way it is... and that really doesn't make any sense, cause I am NOT making things up, I am not abusing the system, and I didn't lie to them about my income or Ashley's disability, I didn't apply because I feel its cool to have a disable child, I might get an stroller, but I would give everything in this world to not have a disable child, and I'm not saying this in a bad way, I love my daughter, but I would love to be able to do normal things like taking them to the park, zoo or mall without worrying about my daughter going  with a total stranger and not even feel fear about it... I would give my own life to have my daughter as a typical child...


But I cant... and if I need an stroller for her, I shouldn't have to explain that to people, I will gladly explain why I need it to doctors and other providers, but not to random people that cant understand what it is to have a special needs child...


I am upset with life, and not because of me, but because it will be my daughter the one that will deal with this condition for life, she will want to do things that other people do, like drive a car, go to the mall by herself or with her friends, get her own family and kids... and then what?? how am I going to tell her that she will probably have to forget about that?


My best friend always tells me to live one day at a time, and I do try to do that, but sometimes I cant help it... I don't want to be mad at God, but in a way I am!!! its very unfair, even more when I see mothers that have typical kids and they just don't care about their kids, or when they take the life of that child, Many will be mad at me or will tell me that God is awesome etc... And maybe he is been awesome to you, but he hasn't been that awesome with me...












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