Should I tell them why??

Today was not the best day, emotionally meanly. I was faced with lots of questions coming from kids, about the age of my special needs daughter, about her skills, and her physical abilities... 

I had to say an answer, but what to say?? should I tell them why? or should I lie to just continue without explaining anything?

We had a field trip today, and some of the kids started to ask me why Ashley has an stroller? I explain something simple for them to understand, I said that she needs the stroller because she has a problem with her legs and her heart, and if she gets really tired she can get really sick. That was the end of that question but opened the door for many more.

Then I was asked if she knew who much is 4x1... I said no! 

After a few minutes the boy asked me how old was Ashley, and I said 8 years old, for what he replayed... she cant be 8 years old, and if she was she should be in 3rd grade not second... and she should know how much is 4x1.... 

My heart stopped!!! all the other kids looked at me waiting for an answer, and I just looked at them without knowing what to say, I said well, she is 8 years old, and she is not in 3rd grade because she is in your class... I had to ignore the other question... I don't want them to threat her different, but at the same time I don't want them to think that been different its wrong.

This reminded me of a conversation I had with the bis principal  a day before, she wanted me to not take the stroller because of the "looks" she said that Ashley wanted to look more like her peers and not different, but this is not about looks, this is about health, I would give anything for my daughter to be healthy and not need that stroller, I don't love the idea of having my 8 year old on a special needs stroller, I do notice all the people looking at us everywhere we go and she is in it. I hate the way they look at her and then look at me, as if she was a weird object. 

I am not ashamed and I will never be ashamed of my kids, but why are others so easy in judging? why our schools are not teaching this kids that been different its normal? why ? why the parents not talking to their kids about people with different needs and ways of life? its our job as parents to teach them equality, and its also the schools job to implement it. 

how can they expect no bullying in their school grounds if they don't want them to see "different"?  

At the end of the day, after all the kids walk for hours many told me that Ashley was so lucky because she was in her stroller and they were tired of walking. I couldn't help to think that they are the real lucky ones, because they don't need and stroller!!! 

Easy judging.

How easy we judge sometimes, we go around criticizing the way people talk, walk, dress, behave, and react. The really interesting question here is are we sure that we are right? 

The answer is NO! we don't, and we might never know... Many times we judge without knowing the full story, we are so used to this practice that we don't even think about it, we just do it and continue.

Maybe that person has a problem, maybe that person has a disability that we cant see, or maybe just maybe they are having a bad day. 

I have done it in the past, I'm not perfect, and if I sound as bad as I see others do, Please just let me know!!!  the way we as human race coexist with all the taboos about the color of the skin, nationalities, religions, different points of view and opinions makes us fight and not feel the love for our neighbors and those that we don't know. Just because they are not like us, or because they don't share our same ideas and interests in life. Or even worst... they don't have the same economical stability.

I really don't care about many of this things and those that I find that bother me, I'm working on that to make myself stop feeling that way. I'm so sure that people judge me in a daily basis, their eyes are closed to see more than just the behaviors or things they don't like, we are all different and it would be really boring if we were all the same way, we need the different views and believes to complete us, we need the different hair types and different skin colors, we need the richness of all the different nationalities and religions. 

We just need to protect each other instead of fight each other, if we could only do this, everything would be so much better for everyone in the world.

Tired beyond exhaustion.''

This week has been really crazy, it started on Monday morning, I went to help a friend put together the school store at her son's school, and after working there for 3 hours we were able to leave and go have something to eat, we decided that Ihop was the place to go. After lunch we went to her house and I got to meet a wonderful lady, most of the day was gone and by the time I came home it was almost 5 pm, I had only time to fix dinner and do a little cleaning here and there.

Tuesday was also really busy, I had to take my daughter Ashley to one of her therapies, our schedule changed for this week so I had to take her on Tuesday morning, after therapy I went to the pediatrician to turn some papers in and then to the gas station, on our way home we stopped at MacDonald s for some food, then to the store we went, we found some really nice things there and by the time we came home it was past 3 pm, so again I just had time to fix dinner and clean a bit here and there...

Wednesday came, and I had to rush myself to my friends house as soon as the school bus left, She asked me to give her a ride, after the appointment we went to have some lunch, and again I had to eat out. We wanted to go see an old friend but when I was going to her house and after getting lost I got a reminder on my phone, it was about my daughters early out schedule for the day, I was more than 30 minutes without traffic away, and by that time the traffic was packing up, I had to rush home to get her, I had to go on back roads, I was calling friends on my way back to ask the to please get her just in case I was late, but nobody was able to, some were not home and other never answer the phone. Luckily I was able to get home on time for the bus, with my friend her daughter and mine I decided to go get my son, so we went to his school.

He had an appointment s well as my friends daughter, so we went to my friends house for about an hour before we could go to the appointment  then after we had to stop at Walmart and then another store, by the time we went back to her house it was already 7 pm, she served us dinner and I came back home at almost 8:30 pm, this time I was not able to clean or fix any food.

Thursday came and again I had to go to my friends house because her other daughter had an appointment  she is getting braces. And after that appointment we had to stop by their dentist to have an extraction done, fun stuff. Then it was my friends Dr appointment .. At around 1 pm I was on my way to my daughters school, I needed to pick her up and take her to the other therapy, we barely made it on time due to traffic, her therapist gave me horrible news, she got another job and will soon leave the therapy center. I started crying since she has helped my Ashley so much, she has done more than what a therapies has ever done, always goes way beyond expectation, its going to be really hard for Ashley, she loves her therapist. After therapy we came home stayed here for a bit and then went to Walmart to pick up some medicine and some cleaners I needed but again my day was gone and I did so little here at home, some cleaning here and there again. 

I cant continue with this way of life, I barely have time to do my own things to be on top of someone else's appointments  and kids... I need a brake...  

Fears of a special needs parent.

          When you have a child you have so many hopes for that kid, you want your son or daughter to be able to crawl, walk, talk, grow up and be able to go to school, go to the university and get married, and why not? give you grand kids. But when you are faced with the challenges of raising a special needs child, regardless of the disability  the world around you changes completely.

         All the dreams that you had must disappear, you are faced with situations out of your control, health issues, learning disabilities and people that will never understand your kid, people that will not only say ignorant comments but also make fun or bully your child, they not only come in the shape of a child, but many times are adults the ones with the most hurtful and hateful comments.

         The annoying way some people will look at your child, as if they have seen the most horrendous thing in life and it makes me sick.

          This world is full of ignorant people, those that think that having a child with special needs its a curse from God, the ones that think that its contagious and don't want to get close to your kid and those that will use the "R" word with friends because its cool and they don't feel like its offensive because they are too busy been stupid to get a dictionary and actually read the definition. Oh, but please don't grab the urban dictionary, because that doesn't count as dictionary to me. 

          So the point is clear, we as parents of a special needs kids have lots of fears. We all agree on at least one, we don't know what the future might bring for our kids long or short term... And you might say, well, all parents worry about that. Yes and no!!! Let me tell you why.

          I love my kids and I expect different things from my typical child and from my special needs one, my son has way more chances than my daughter, he has things the easy way. For him its not hard to do everyday things and tasks, and he can be pushed harder so he can succeed at school and in life. With my daughter is way different, she needs more time processing school work, she has a slight chance of not graduating high school, she will have a harder time learning everyday chores and tasks. I'm about 80% sure that my son will give me grand kids, but I'm and 80% sure as well that my daughter wont.

          Its not because she is not capable of been a mother, but because there is a 50% chance that her kids will be born with the same disability, if the father has no disabilities, but if he does then the chance goes way up. So the question comes to my head, if she does have a child, typical or special. Who will take care of that baby? if my daughter will barely be able to take care of her own needs... She might even need help herself. 

          I wont be here forever, so what is my child going to do once I'm gone? who will take care of her? is she going to be ok? will she be protected? who will be there on her hard moments? who will put up with her bad choices? will she find love? or will she be lonely? those are the real fears of a special needs parent, because our normal daily life its really busy, we know more doctors than a regular parent will in their life time, we are ready to fight for that kid needs at school or at the doctors office, we will find our way around a no, we are most of the time exhausted beyond believe, but even that way we find energy to continue day or night, its easier for us to clean human fluids as long as its the fluids or our kids.

We multitask, I can at least cook a meal, clean or do the dishes and schedule doctor app's at the same time, we can lift the weight of our kid without complaining, and it doesn't matter if its a one year old or a 17 year old, if it must be done we will do it.

          Some moms and dads require a little more time to adjust to all the new changes of a diagnosed child, some will take months to be able to accept, others will be on denial for longer time, whatever your case, just make sure to tell that child that you love them and that you will always do, it doesn't matter if its a newborn or a 10 year old, just tell that child how much you love him or her. 

          And please don't use the "R" word, life can teach you real lessons and you never know if your own child will be diagnosed with a learning disability or even your grand kid. 

Out of frustration...

Have you ever had that moment when everything its just frustrating you?

I have. Actually I get those moments really often, many factors will make me feel that way, the economical issues in the house, the way some people just are, or even how the dog is not listening to what I say.

Yes, its totally normal, But that gives no authorization for me to react in a bad way to my frustrations. Breath, I keep repeating to myself, just breath and let it go.

I get that really often, when I am looking at my friends posts on FB, I see a comment or picture of something that I don't agree with, I feel the need to comment BUT then I stop, breath and think... is it necessary? do I want to start a fight over something really stupid? they had all the right to post whatever they want... its their page after all. So I just let it go.

Frustration can be really bad at times, when the kids are misbehaving and you feel like you want to scream at them, or when you are doing something important and then you have to stop to fulfill the needs of someone else. I know you understand me, I know that I'm not alone in this one.

But the one frustration that really get me to the next level, its when I ask for help, and I get nothing, and by ask for help I mean ask a family member to so something or to stop doing something. 

I had to deal with that today, and I had no luck.

I have lots of patience and I think that's the reason why people most of the time will abuse.  That's the way I am, I was raised that way and I cant change my ways.

So again, frustration comes in many ways, in may shapes, but its ultimately up to us to decide if we put up a fight or we let it go. If its something small, just let it go, if its something big work it out, but definitely don't fight out of frustration. 

four words one text.

I have been thinking and thinking, in the last few months life has been really hard, I had my life changed and twisted in so many ways.

I learned a lot, I can tell you that I'm a better person, my heart has no hate, even when everything around me hurts me, I have no hate.

Yesterday I opened my eyes to something that maybe a few months ago I couldn't see. I got a text, only four  words, "that girl is crazy" I felt a pain in my chest when I saw this text, it was not about a woman, it was about a girl, an eleven year old girl. 

Why was I getting this? it reminded me when my daughter was called crazy, and I had to answer back, I didn't do it in a text but in person. Just as I got out of my car the person that wrote it came to my driveway and started talking about this fight that she has with a special needs 11 year old girl... 

I listened to all the story and then I gave a piece of my mind, I was not mad, I was hurt. Not because it meant something to me but because the question kept bugging me... how can a woman feel the need of fight with an eleven year old girl? 

This issue opened my eyes, we as adults feel that we are in control, we feel the need of getting people to respect us, but how are we respecting others? I'm sure that I made that same mistake before, nobody is perfect, but now I ask myself.... Is it necessary ? is it that important? is it worth the time and the energy? a fight, we fight for everything, and nothing at the same time. 

I wont judge somebody based on the experiences of others, if that person is nice to me I will be nice, if that person is not nice, I will walk away from their life. 

I don't know if it was the right thing to say but I asked to please not to share those issues with me. But those 4 words shook my heart, my daughter was called crazy before and I wanted to slap the one that said that, people can be so cruel with their comments, but we always have the chance to forget and forgive.  

Insomnia

I cant sleep and its just too hard to concentrate in the morning, and so hard to get up early... So far I've been doing it, but I don't know how much longer I can stay like this.

I've been really busy all week, I had to take Ashley to her therapy and did some things to collect money for the polar plunge, so far I have collected $65 with the help of my friend and her daughters.

We also had to go get my sons allergy shoot this week, and I saw someone there, the sister of the person that wanted to hurt my kids, so I had to talk to the doctor and tell him the story of my life, he assured me that I was not going to see that person next week when I have to go again. 

I'm not a bad person, I don't go finding trouble, but if someone is looking for it I wont let them step on me and I wont let them get close to my kids, now changing to a more relaxed note...

I have been really happy during the last few days, my relationship its going great, I am waiting on a new curling iron that its on the mail on its way here, I cant wait to try it. I heard so many great things about it. 

Tomorrow I will wax my face since its been a long time since I did it, it will hurt like a mofo but beauty hurts right? and I will look beautiful to my man, he brought me roses yesterday, he is so sweet... 

I don't see him too often because he is been working a lot lately, but on the day that I get to see him and be with him I will cuddle on his chest and just close my eyes, sometimes I feel like I want to stay there all day long. 

I will go to bed now, I have to take Ashley to practice tomorrow and its really late... have a great night !!! 

Chocolate sale!!!

Last year I had a real hard time getting donations for the polar plunge, I was really sad and depressed at the hotel a day before the plunge, finally an hour before I registered for the event the last few donations came with a whopping amount of money and I was able to reach the goal.

If you don't know what the polar plunge is, let me tell you what it is... every year I will go to the beach in February (the coldest month of the year) and I will jump to the ocean with 3000 more crazy people to support the special Olympics, its super cold and super fun at the same time. 

Well this year I had to do something to get the money, I can't really just sit around and ask people to donate, I had to really do something to get that money, so I started to buy some basic things, like kitchen stuff and jewelry, and finally I got a box of chocolates. I have a friend that will help me all the time, she is really sweet, and I gave the box of chocolate to her, her daughters told their friends about the chocolates and they sold all the chocolates, all that money will go to the polar plunge, so far the idea is going well since they are asking for a donation and not an actual price. 

I love them to pieces, and now I need to get more chocolate. Oh and the kitchen stuff will also be given with donations, I'm really confident that I will reach that goal and it won't be as stressing as it was last year, I will just have to worry about the expenses of the trip and the hotel and not the goal, we pay for our expenses, I don't use the donated money for any of the expenses all the donated money goes to the special Olympics.

I'm also super exited about this years Halloween, because we have season passes for a themed park and we will be going there as soon as they open the new Halloween attractions I also told you all about the new adventure. 

I am making YouTube videos again and I will keep on making them, in English and Spanish, I have a few reviews now, you can check them out if you like... Let me know what you think.  

http://www.youtube.com/user/cynthiag0522

http://www.youtube.com/user/hammy0522


 if you want to donate you can do it here: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/cynthia-godinez/2014polarplungeVA

Fake people !!!

wow, its been such a long time since I posted something, I have been really trying to figure life out, a lot of things happen during this few months, I found out who my real friends are and who the fake ones are... Its really sad that sometimes the person that you believe its the most trusting friend ends up been a fake one ready to hurt you and your family and blame insanity. 

People might think that I'm a bad person, and as far as I'm concerned I don't really care, I know that I have done nothing wrong and that I own no explanation to anyone, I respect myself and would never go into a relationship with anyone that is not free, I am worth way too much to get the leftovers. 

Just because I'm friendly and I do favors to people when they ask me to, doesn't mean that I will sleep with them, I am an educated person and I love myself way too much to be that kind of women.

The funny part is that the person that told about me doing things is the same person that wants something with the husband of this person, but guess what? I won't tell her that, because I want to see how karma gets them, she thinks she was so smart at blaming me for something I didn't do, when she was the one that was actually doing it... some day she will be faced with the true and she wont have a place to hide or a person to blame. as far as I am concerned, I'm at peace!!! 

But now I know that I can't trust anyone, because you never know who wants to hurt you and your family for imaginary things, I'm glad that I can be the hardest person when it comes to protect my babies, and that all that made F think about everything and he wanted to fix our situation. 

He knows me so well, not for nothing he is been with me for the last 15 years, he knows what I can be capable of doing and what I will absolutely not do ever, after all he knows me better than anyone else.

I'm working on a new adventure and I'm sure that I will succeed, I am learning little by little and its hard because its really a time consuming activity  that I have to do, but its fun and I enjoy it!!! ready??? I'm back !!! I started again with my videos on Youtube and this time I will do everything I can to continue and not stop doing them. 

Hard to understand.

Life can be really difficult sometimes, I never thought that I was going to be raising my kids alone, but here I am... Doing just that the way my mom did, still dealing with doctor appts and therapies but doing it.

Life really will turn in a second, I was just fine with the life I had, been a stay at home mom, taking care or the kids and all. Now I have to do that plus provide to them what their dad did.

So far he is still helping me out with them on the days that I go hunting for a job, hard as I don't know what...

I'm still waiting for my ged certificate to get here... It's been more than a month since I did and past the test, so far no certificate, and I really need it.

Polar Plunge 2013

This weekend was one of the most important weekends every year... We just did the Polar plunge, and it was awesome... 

It was very cold, the wind on Friday was unbelievable, whenever the direction of the wind was right in front, hitting my face, I could feel my eyes water and it looked as if I was crying. My hand would go numb in a few seconds from the extreme coldness.

The resort was really beautiful, my room was absolutely stunning, so big with a view to the beach in the seventh floor. The kids had no problem getting comfortable in that room at all.

We actually went to the pool for about and hour, I was sad due that a day before my nine year old ferret died due to old age, he was my baby and we cried a lot on Thursday. Plus I had a fundraising going on for the polar plunge, and well lets just say that I was not been supported by the people I though had my back... 

I was actually waiting to get registered for the event because my goal was $600 and I only had $395, and then... WOW!!! a whooper donation of $200 came to my rescue... I covered the rest and I was able to register with a smile knowing that I had a lot of awesome friends and that I had reached my goal... 

I had an awesome Friday night making shirts for the plunge.

On Saturday I was able to wake up early, I got ready and got the kids ready, we went to have breakfast, it was so good, but then it was time to get things ready for the plunge... 

We totally missed the first events, well all of them... except the plunge itself, it was so darn cold that I was OK with not been present for the other events.

I was running to the water and I was not expecting it to be as cold as it was, my body got so numb it started to hurt, even with that I kept walking forward, I was able to hi-five 3 of the rescue squad guys, even though I said that I was going to do that only "if" i reached the $800 dollars and I didn't...  I just  had to do something special for the $200 donation... 

When I got out of the water my body was hurting so bad it was insane, it took me more than 25 minutes to get my normal temperature back, and that's when I notice the freeze burns on my legs... 

Battle marks, that's what they are. After all it was a sacrifice for me to get in that cold water.... 

The rest of the day when really good, we ate with everyone in area 11 and had a good time. It was time to go pack and get thing ready for today, we went upstairs did laundry and started to pack.

This morning I had a hard time waking up, I finished packing and got everything in the car, after we went and had breakfast we had to enjoy our last moments in that amazing hotel...

  The way back was really fast and smooth, we got home right before the mini snow storm... lol Next year I will do the plunge again, it will be my third time... and I am so making costumes for us, I have a year to think about what to make and actually make them, I also have a year to think about good ways to raise money...

The end of a story

       It's been a hard few months, now I can really tell you what's going on..

        During the past year things have been not so good with F, what I didn't knew was that he was thinking about the end of our story.

        It hit me like a wall of bricks, and there is no going back. It's a very hard thing not only for me but for the kids as well, I just need to figure out a way to explain this to them.

         I just hope that with time resignation will also come, for now all I can do its look for a job and adjust to our new life, a life I so didn't wanted to have. 

You see, I didn't had the chance to share my life with my dad, he was never in my life. I didn't wanted my kids to experience that dysfunctional life, the same that I had, with my mother working all the time and us as kids that had to be little adults.

          The life of a single parent family its not easy, so much more that the kids are so used to be with me all the time, now I will have to go to work so I can provide them with what they need.

           He made his choice and nothing will make him change his mind,  we will just try to have a normal life as much as we can without him.